It’s very simple! Just as we determine what we want to eat, we also have power and control over when we want to be happy. I’ve learned this over the last few weeks when I started accepting that life sucks and I was dealt this awful hand in life, with a mental illness. But you know what I discovered? I have control over this illness and I also have control over if I allow it to bring me down, or allow it to change my outlook. Look, I get and understand how difficult it is to bring yourself to an idea such as mine. I get it. But not trying and just continuing to head down a path of self-destruction, well, that isn’t a path to take. Get it out. Get loud. Get angry. Be pissed off. Let those emotions out and you’ll find clarity at the end of the horrible tunnel, the tunnel that I myself was trapped in for quite some time. Just know that you’re not alone and that you can make it through this. You just have to believe in your strength, and allow yourself the power to be happy, and feel great about yourself. Trust me, it won’t be easy, but it’s recovery, and if I’ve learned anything about recovery, it’s this: Recovery Is Possible! Not every day is going to be happy, so don’t get discouraged and let down, just because of one sour thought or person or day. The battle against your thoughts and your mind is a battle that you were born to win. So accept that there’s something wrong, accept that life sucks and accept that you’ll have to fight like hell just to be happy. Once you accept it, once you finally tell yourself that you have the power to alter your thoughts, and override your own mind, well, that’s when you can finally be happy. So get the help you need, reach out to the people you trust, and tell yourself EVERY DAY, “I’m Possible”.
Tag Archives: Recovery
I’ve been trying so hard to separate work life, and my Bipolar Affective Disorder, and I am learning quickly that it’s not an easy task to do, and I am just so confused on what my next step should be. I am wondering, or more so debating whether I should talk to my manager who is so sincere and nice, and just tell her my situation, in hopes of preventing being fired, due to lashing out, or not being as productive. I am a hard worker, and my manager has already told me this. Tomorrow will be my seventh shift at Target. So I am still a new employee. I had to take myself off Mirtazapine, just so I could wake up for the early morning shifts, and now I am experiencing the repercussions of doing just that. I need help, or more so advice. Please comment in the comment area. Thank you all!!
So, you relapsed, huh? You hate yourself for it, don’t you? You think you’re a failure, that your worthless and incapable of recovery, right? You’ve probably got tears streaming down your face as you let your mind torture yourself a little more because you think you deserve the added pain, but you and I both know deep down that you do NOT deserve the added insults. I’m not here to preach about how it gets better, and everything happens for a reason. How could emotional agony happen for a reason? No reason is a good reason for someone to be in so much pain. Period. I’m not here to scrape you off the ground, cover your wounds and send you on your way. How many times have people done that for you and you end up falling back down before you even reach the end of the street? One too many.
I am here to sit with you for as long as you need. I’m here to listen. Tell me, where did you get that scar above your left eye? How many times did you fail at riding your big girl bike before you finally mastered it? What do you listen to when you are sad? Tell me everything. Talk, talk, talk, talk. I don’t mind. What was it like growing up watching your parents fight and hit each other? How did you feel when that boy pushed you down in 4th grade and called you names? Tell me where it hurts. Let’s count your scars etched into your skin. Each one of them are proof that you survived a battle. You got 83 scars? That’s 83 battles in which you lived to see the next day. How many panic attacks did you have in school today? Was it hard? What helps you calm down and breathe again? Every time you talk yourself out of an attack, is one more time in which you were your own hero.
How many times did you write that last goodbye letter? Did your hands shake and did your tears smear your words? Did you tell anyone that you were going to end it all? Were you happy when you woke up the next morning? Or did you instantly want to try again the next chance you got? I’m all ears. I won’t judge you, or think you’re crazy. If it helps, I’ll just sit there silently and won’t breathe a word. Tell me, what does it feel like when you think that killing yourself is the only option left? Does taking your last breath scare you enough to want to hang on another day? Or does your body fill with a dark relief that within the next seconds, hours, weeks or days you’ll finally be free of your pain? I’m here. You are not alone. Please, don’t kill yourself tonight.
I’ve been where you are. I am where you are. You are not weak, you are the strongest little soldier I have ever seen. How tiring it must be to carry these wounds and stories around with you. How sickening it must be to see how people judge you before even knowing what you’ve endured. How devastating it must be to relapse after being clean for nearly a year — It’s okay. How many times did you fall when you were learning to walk? How many times did you fail when you tried to learn to whistle? Or, how long did it take you to learn to write in cursive? Recovery is the same exact thing. So, you relapsed. You fell flat on your face. You spit saliva in your best friend’s face because you sucked at whistling. You wrote sloppy for weeks or even months until you finally learned to curve your letters properly. It’s okay. You tried. You’re trying and that is ALL that matters, sweetie. I’m here and I still love you. Don’t give up just yet. Your break through is coming.
It’s never easy to keep it together all the time. The expected notion of staying calm and pretending like nothing is bothersome. Well, NEWSFLASH! It’s not working. This is an area in which I like to call hiding behind a wall of perfection. Have you ever had a friend, coworker, or even a family member ask you what’s wrong? Did you truly believe that they REALLY, 100% wanted to actually know what was wrong with you? There are some odds betting that they really did not want to hear it. It’s human nature to ask a person, who in our terms isn’t their normal self, the question of what’s going on. As you are trying to hold onto that wall of perfection, you start to lose grip, and reality begins to hit. Deep down inside of you, somewhere, is a broken soul. So damaged beyond repair. You walk around with your heart on your shoulder, presenting this tough interior, when really, you’re about to collapse, and fall really hard. Emotions are tricky, and a lot of what we do, we tie our emotions into it. You might think that without your emotions, you won’t have to feel the pain. As it is true, it is also true that you won’t feel the good times. Your Doctor, Therapist, and even your Parents, they don’t understand. No matter how hard you try to express your pain, they can’t. For one simple reason: It’s your journey. You’re the one that’s supposed to understand. I could go on and on about how great life is, which it is, but I want to stress the importance of the pain you must deal with, as for it creates who you are. Trust me, I’ve been there, and to this day, will still find myself there at times. But let me tell you this: Life is a gift. How you choose to use it is up to you.
Today, thanks to better early detection, there are 63% fewer deaths from heart disease than there were just a few decades ago. Thomas Insel, Director of the National Institute of Mental Health, wonders: Could we do the same for depression and schizophrenia? The first step in this new avenue of research, he says, is a crucial reframing: for us to stop thinking about “mental disorders” and start understanding them as “brain disorders.” (Filmed at TEDxCaltech.)
I’m stupid. I’m worthless. I’ll never be good enough.
I’m not here to tell you that you’re smart, or worth it, or even that you already are good enough because let’s face it. There’s so many people out there who have already told you that and you don’t believe it. What I am here to tell you is that YOU have to tell yourself all these things. Self love is the hardest damn step to your recovery, but once you stop BEATING yourself up and start BUILDING yourself up, then you’ll start to realize that YOU ARE WORTHY. I’ve learned that it’s not where I have been, but where I’m going to that matters. It doesn’t matter how many times you’ve sliced your skin, or how many panic attacks you’ve had. None of that matters anymore. What your problem is, what my problem is, is that we live in the past. We dwell on how many mistakes we’ve made and we hurt ourselves for our “stupidity” when we’re only human. You really think perfection exists? Get real. That nobody else has made the same mistakes as you have? Exactly where you are right now, someone else has stood. What you feel right now, someone else has felt it. My point is, put your middle finger in the air and free yourself. You are a bird who has spent enough time in their cage and deserve to spread their wings and fly.
I get it though, it’s not that simple, right? No, it’s not. You don’t just wake up one day, jump out of bed and free yourself from your chains. If it were that easy then maybe people could be saved before committing suicide. If it were that easy, I would’ve saved myself a long time ago. It’s a process though. That’s the best way that I can explain it. You’re just a seed in the ground right now. You have to water yourself, give yourself a good amount of sunshine which means you have to live. Leave your room and do something you’ve always wanted to do. Go some place you’ve always wanted to go. Give yourself time – all the time you need. Maybe that’s all we need. Faith, hope, and time. Faith that everything will work out as planned. Faith in our growth and in our journey. Hope for better days and pure strength. Someone once told me, the only thing stronger than fear is hope. So stock up on your hope and give yourself the time to travel to the top of this mountain. Eventually, someday, you will make it. Someday you will get out of bed, loving yourself. You will go to bed, loving yourself and you’ll finally let go of that past. Let go of that hurt. You’ll build yourself anew and it’ll be the best damn thing you have ever done. Just give yourself the time.
Your life is falling apart, and you feel there’s nothing you can do to stop it. You want to just give up. You can’t go on anymore. Life has become too painful for you. The pills and alcohol are calling your name….or however you might choose to do it. You feel unwanted and horribly alone. You believe that no one cares about you because people treat you like you’re invisible. You scream for help, but no one answers your cries. So you write that note… Then you down that bottle of pills… You’ve tried to end it many times before, but they’ve all failed. This time though, it finally works. You’re dead.
Life can be very cruel and painful. We all know that. Life can be horribly unbearable sometimes. But killing yourself isn’t the answer. That won’t solve anything. Your problems are temporary, remember that. Your circumstance won’t always be the way they are. Regardless of how shitty things are right now, IT DOES GET BETTER. You just have to give it time. Things will eventually look up. I know, that sounds like a bunch of bullshit at the moment. You’re asking “I’ve been waiting for things to get better for a long time now. When the hell are things going to get better?” Well… here’s the thing, you have to WANT things to get better. If you don’t want things to get better, they won’t. In fact, things may get worse. You have to keep a positive attitude instead of believing that things will never get better. No matter what your mind tells you, you have to believe otherwise. Our minds viciously attack us and try to get us to do things we would never do otherwise, like attempt suicide. We can overcome our minds and win this battle we’re all secretly fighting. We may look fine on the outside, but inside we’re screaming, we’re dying, we’re crying… So be kind, you never know what someone is dealing with.
One final thought: You can love life again. You may hate life right now, but you won’t always feel that way. One day, you’ll look back and think, “Damn, I’m so fucking glad I didn’t give up.” 🙂