We all do it, even though we know we really shouldn’t. You are more than your mistakes. Everyone has a dusty book on their shelf of life that holds their darkest times, biggest regrets, and deepest mistakes, but you can’t hold yourself to it forever. If you reread those chapters over and over again, you’ll think that that is all you are, but it’s not true.
You are everything you do. Stories you read, music you listen to. You are everything you take from these. Only in the depths of hell can you truly learn who you are and you are so much more than your illness, mistakes, whatever it is that is holding you down and holding you back – you are more.
Recovery is the biggest battle of your life, for your life. It’s clawing, screaming, choking, and fighting. It’s filling the holes in your soul with something beautiful. Let yourself be happy. Go back to that younger you with the tears streaming down their face. Beating themselves up for something they did or something that happened. Tell them it’s okay, that you’re there and you are going to make things right. That you are going to break free from this hell and shine like a damn star because you. are. a. star.
The first step to letting the light shine inside you is to forgive yourself. It’s the hardest damn thing you’ll ever have to do, but you have to because you matter. You matter and you will make it. Do not let that damage control your life anymore. Stand up and say, “NO! Not me. Not anymore.” Repeat it, scream it, write it on your hand. Do whatever you have to do to memorize and believe it.
Some days you’ll jump out of bed roaring like a lion and others you’ll crawl out of bed meowing like a kitten. That’s O.K. Remember how far you’ve come. Recovery is a battlefield that you must win everyday. There will always be a dawn and all you have to do is last the night. You may not be there today, but you are so much closer than you were yesterday.
There’ll be times where you fall back a few steps. You think you’re on solid ground and you lose your footing, but you are not defined by your relapses, but rather by your decision to stay in recovery. There’ll be so many obstacles thrown at you to get you to leave your road to recovery, but you won’t. You can’t because you’ll look at how far you’ve come and think to yourself, I am a warrior and I WILL conquer this mountain! You are the hero of your story and you will survive.