I remember when I was 8 years old, I would choke myself, bite myself, and bang my head against the wall. I didn’t realize this was considered self-harm though. I also remember having suicidal thoughts at 8 years old. I used to threaten to kill myself. Since I was just a kid, I’m not sure I was ever serious, but that still raises red flags that something was wrong. Yet all anyone ever told me was that I was just being a “dramatic brat” and “throwing a temper tantrum” to get what I want. I also remember getting depressed too. I didn’t get depressed much between the ages of 8 to 13, but I would get down once and awhile, especially if something bad happened to me, like I’d get into trouble. I struggled with anxiety issues as well at a very young age. Simple things would make very anxious and nervous.
As I got older all of these problems worsened.
At 14, I started cutting myself. My depression, suicidal thoughts, and anxiety also worsened a little more. I started out with mild depression, suicidal thoughts only, and mild anxiety. When I turned 15, nothing really got better or worse. Everything just stayed the same. But, when I turned 16, my depression, cutting, suicidal thoughts, and anxiety worsened again. I went from mild depression to moderate depression. I made my first attempt at suicide at 16 and I attempted several more times during that year. At 17, I got really, really bad. My depression became severe. My suicidal thoughts were horrible. My anxiety was really bad too. While I was 17, I made several more attempts at suicide. None of which worked obviously. I’m now 19 years old and I’ve basically been at a stalemate with my depression, cutting, suicidal thoughts, and anxiety since I was 17. I haven’t gotten better or worse. I’ve had periods where I thought I was getting better, but I really wasn’t. Since I was 16, I’ve tried to kill myself a total of 14 times. I was never hospitalized for any of them though. No one really knows about my attempts. But I’m done with the cutting, the suicide attempts, the depression, and anxiety.
I am really going to try to put effort into my recovery because I am tired of being like this. This is no way to live.
I’m tired of cutting myself. I’m tired of being depressed a good part of the time. I’m tired of everything making me so damn anxious all the time. And I’m tired of these suicidal thoughts. I know I need to do SOMETHING about my problems before something tragic happens to me. I simply can’t continue life like this.
So, if you deal with any of the illnesses I mentioned above, please join me on my journey to recovery and living a better life. 🙂