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My Personal Recovery

20 Dec

I remember when I was 8 years old, I would choke myself, bite myself, and bang my head against the wall. I didn’t realize this was considered self-harm though. I also remember having suicidal thoughts at 8 years old. I used to threaten to kill myself. Since I was just a kid, I’m not sure I was ever serious, but that still raises red flags that something was wrong. Yet all anyone ever told me was that I was just being a “dramatic brat” and “throwing a temper tantrum” to get what I want. I also remember getting depressed too. I didn’t get depressed much between the ages of 8 to 13, but I would get down once and awhile, especially if something bad happened to me, like I’d get into trouble. I struggled with anxiety issues as well at a very young age. Simple things would make very anxious and nervous.

As I got older all of these problems worsened.

At 14, I started cutting myself. My depression, suicidal thoughts, and anxiety also worsened a little more. I started out with mild depression, suicidal thoughts only, and mild anxiety. When I turned 15, nothing really got better or worse. Everything just stayed the same. But, when I turned 16, my depression, cutting, suicidal thoughts, and anxiety worsened again. I went from mild depression to moderate depression. I made my first attempt at suicide at 16 and I attempted several more times during that year. At 17, I got really, really bad. My depression became severe. My suicidal thoughts were horrible. My anxiety was really bad too. While I was 17, I made several more attempts at suicide. None of which worked obviously. I’m now 19 years old and I’ve basically been at a stalemate with my depression, cutting, suicidal thoughts, and anxiety since I was 17. I haven’t gotten better or worse. I’ve had periods where I thought I was getting better, but I really wasn’t. Since I was 16, I’ve tried to kill myself a total of 14 times. I was never hospitalized for any of them though. No one really knows about my attempts. But I’m done with the cutting, the suicide attempts, the depression, and anxiety.

I am really going to try to put effort into my recovery because I am tired of being like this. This is no way to live.

I’m tired of cutting myself. I’m tired of being depressed a good part of the time. I’m tired of everything making me so damn anxious all the time. And I’m tired of these suicidal thoughts. I know I need to do SOMETHING about my problems before something tragic happens to me. I simply can’t continue life like this.
So, if you deal with any of the illnesses I mentioned above, please join me on my journey to recovery and living a better life. 🙂

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4 Comments

Posted by on December 20, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

Tags: , , ,

4 responses to “My Personal Recovery

  1. Nhan Fiction

    December 20, 2014 at 3:26 am

    Good for you. Don’t let the “D” word stop you from finding happiness.

    Like

     
  2. prideinmadness

    December 20, 2014 at 1:38 pm

    Thank you for sharing!

    I began self harming at 13, attempted to kill myself at 16 and spent the next year playing “Will this kill me” way to much. I’m now 25 and struggle nowhere near as much as I did when I was a teen, even when I was your age. Getting to a better place is possible and I even know people who identify as fully recovered.

    Good luck on your journey!!!

    Liked by 1 person

     

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